Jesus, the mythical savior in the Christian religion, is often seen on food products. Is it possible that Jesus’ head is actually made out of toast? This is highly plausible if you consider the facts.
In Biblical writings about Jesus, he appears to have a fondness for bread. During one meal, he and his followers managed to eat 5,000 loaves of bread. He also gave people bread during his last supper and told his followers that it was his flesh. The bread was his flesh. Jesus said whoever who eats the bread, eats him.
Since the Bible is true because it says it is true, one could be expected to believe that Jesus literally meant what he said and he is made out of bread. An all powerful god could be bread if he wanted to be bread and his head could be made out of toast. That’s what omnipotent means. The ability to do anything imaginable.
Of Miracles and Toast
A few truths can be deducted from this tastefully (toastfully) true observation on the nature of Jesus.
Since Jesus has been seen coming out of a toaster more times than out of a children’s hospital, it is unlikely that his head is bionic. If Jesus were to have a bionichead, his chips would have melted in the toaster. It could also be safe to assume that Jesus likes toasters more than children. Since more children die each year than jars of Nutella break, it is safe to assume that Jesus likes Nutella more than children. Naturally, chocolate is delicious, so we should not judge the Christian god too harshly.
Furthermore, it is known that Jesus was said to be fond of miracles. He supposedly made a lot of bread and wine, even though nobody present actually wrote about it. The writings about these miracles came from stories told to third parties. They must be true because they say they are true. Therefore, Jesus the bread-loving, miracle-worker is most likely made out of Wonderbread. That’s why it is named “Wonder” bread.
More miracles of Toasted-headed Jesus
Jesus speaks through food
By now, it should be obviously that Jesus prefers to contact people through food products. That would explain why the poor are poor. They do not have enough food to receive their god’s blessings.
It does not matter if it is bread or a bread spread, Jesus keeps both avenues of communication open.
In 2009, Jesus contacted a family in South Wales through a can of Marmite. An obvious miracle, as the photos clearly show, of the Christian god’s concern for bread.
The UK newspaper the Telegraph reported that Clare Allen was the first to see the image of the deity.
Mr Allen, of Ystrad, Rhondda, south Wales, said: “Claire saw it first and called her dad to come and take a photo of it.“When I first looked at it I wasn’t sure, but when I moved it away from me it started coming out. I thought Christ, yeah, she’s right – that’s the image of Jesus.
“The kids are still eating it, but we kept the lid.”
Jesus lives in Marmite Jars
As an American, I have no idea what Marmite is. I admit, I had to look it up on Wikipedia.
Marmite is the brand name for two similar food spreads: the original British version and a modified version produced in New Zealand, Australia. Marmite is made from yeast extract, a by-product of beer brewing. Other similar products include the Australian Vegemite.
Marmite sounds disgusting. It is a bread spread made from the by-product of beer brewing. Horrible. Who would think of such a food? Why would Jesus live in such a product? How long was Jesus trapped in a warm can of old, beer-laden brewer’s yeast.
Could it be that Jesus likes Marmite because it is made out of yeast? Without yeast, bread will not rise. Clearly, since Jesus is bread, he needed the yeast to rise from the dead. He must have been executed, smeared in a yeast product and stuck into a warm cave to “rise from the dead” (probably a mistranslation of “rise, you tasty bread”).
Marmite and the Prophecy from Working Men
Did Men at Work, the popular 80’s band from Australia, know that the Christian god lives in jars of brewer’s yeast? For example, these lyrics clearly talk of being tempted. Jesus was tempted in the desert. Australia has deserts or, at least, looks kind of desert-like in movies that supposedly take place in Australia.
“Are you trying to tempt me?
Because I come from the land of plenty.”
The real secret message might be hidden in the following lyrics.
Buying bread from a man in Brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscle
I said, “Do you speak-a my language?”
He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich